It hasn’t been long since I have turned 25 and yet, here I am learning things that I wished I knew before…
Let’s rewind back to my early 20’s, when I was in university making friends and studying. I knew that I wasn’t ready for a relationship hence why I never pursued it but somehow, I ended up in a situationship that honestly made me feel low and insecure about myself and it wasn’t even that this person was someone I could see myself with, but it was because I had unlocked myself in the most vulnerable way. I discussed with him the stresses of university and life; I opened myself to a certain level of intimacy (such as my first kiss) and created a bond with this person that I knew wasn’t right for me and everyone else did too… I got blinded by his words but the closer I looked at him I realised his actions never matched. However, I was able to heal from this because I was already guarded when I met him which in insight did help.
Now let’s fast forward to my first relationship, which occurred when I was 23 and going on 24. It all began with a swipe. Currently, it’s so easy to make connections with people through the assistance of a dating app. Prior to this my friends and I made a physical list of attributes we wanted in a partner because we wanted to manifest this. This was quite beneficial because it meant when I did start dating it was intentional, I already had a certain level of standards and expectations. Now to clarify, my list was grounded. I wanted someone funny, Christian, kind to others, and worked out amongst other things. Also, note I would not expect something from another that I also do not have. For example, my partner must have a job which at the time I did have. It also helped that at the time I was saving myself for marriage which I believed helped sieve out those with ‘pure’ intentions and eliminated time wasters. Ironically, I was hesitant to match with my then-boyfriend because his profile was not the best, but my friend encouraged me to give him a chance because he started the conversation on a genuine note. We started talking and asking important questions right off the bat such as celibacy, marriage, kids, life goals, work, love language, hobbies, and interests – to name a few topics. We met in person and honestly, he looked much better than I expected, and the chemistry was there. Over time things developed and in 2 months after talking we became official. All was good until it wasn’t. This relationship lasted for 1 year, 6 months, and 2 weeks (give or take). During that time, I realised that I was somewhat selfish and struggled to ask more questions surrounding him. I grew resentful but did not identify this sooner in the relationship to have that open conversation. The resentment developed because I felt he was becoming controlling in the way I dressed which was still the same when I met him, and I felt like I was always compromising. However, this is not to say that I didn’t have my own issues and essentially overall we weren’t that compatible. I think one of the major reasons for this was the stages in our life had shifted. I was progressing in my career, and he was getting to the point where he was envisioning a family in the next 2 to 3 years or so which meant I would have to put my work on hold. Don’t get me wrong, family is important but so is being secure and at this point, I had goals of getting a mortgage which he already had. Honestly, I am grateful he was my first boyfriend has I felt we both uplifted each other and learned a lot from each other such as starting my fitness journey, money management and cooking skills, etc. I just did not realise what damage a breakup can truly cause especially when it initially was amicable and then turned very bittersweet. It wasn’t that either of us was in the wrong, but it was something that could not be resolved. I think I found it even more difficult because I gave myself to him in the highest form of intimacy and the feelings, we had for each other (at the time) were genuine.
Now let’s fast forward to the present, I did not handle the breakup well. Please note that he was my first love, first intimate partner, first relationship, and first breakup. I thought it would be best to move on and put myself out there back in the dating pool. This was a stupid idea for more than one reason. 1) I was in denial about my emotions 2) I was craving connection 3) Wisdom was chasing me but I was faster which resulted in questionable choices. When we were together essentially our world combined but after the break-up it felt like that world that we created is now divided but also broken. I felt like I needed to put back the pieces of my old life and decide which pieces of my current life I should keep. I was in constant pain mentally, physically, and emotionally and felt guilty for causing him hurt since that was the last thing I wanted to do. Luckily, I had good social support from my friends and family and was encouraged to try to go to events and activities instead and to put my focus back on Christ. Over time I did start to heal from the hurt and the situation and could look back at it for what it was, but I have also noticed that I have also lost a piece of my identity and that I am only now rediscovering who I am, who I want to be as well as redefining what attributes I want in a future partner.
This is ongoing, but I felt like I should share since there may be someone out there going through something similar and may need to look at things from another perspective. Just know what is meant for you will be for you and that it may be difficult now, but it will be okay.
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